the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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