you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
