a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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