Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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