She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
