im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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