my soul wont recognize me after tonight
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
These tits shall not be calmed
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
