My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
