I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
