So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
