direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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