Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
