Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
