tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
NoShamevember. You game?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
