she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
