Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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