I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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