I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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