I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's blow job season.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
