masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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