Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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