just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
