I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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