I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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