I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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