dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize