So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
