Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
