she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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