Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
