put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
