you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
