You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
