just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
