My liver just broke up with me...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
