one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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