How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
This toilet bowl is my home.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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