this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
MIDGETS
????
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
