There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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