After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
