i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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