so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
