My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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