weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
