If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
