Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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