I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
