Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
