Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
