she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
