Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
