so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
