I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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