"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I understand Curling. That high.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
