____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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