I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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