That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
In America we eat man semen.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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