Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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