I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
be right there i have to get my cape
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
