I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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